H A D E S S A H: be yourself

Life Updates With Hadessah

2018

Wilder Illias Finn (Not Including the Last Name)

Hello, Lovelies!

So much has happened since I last updated the blog! I would like you all to meet my little one! His name is Wilder Ilias Finn and I just adore him!

These past few months have been so insane, that I haven't had a moment to just sit down and write about it, so here it goes.

Wilder was born via cesarean on Sept 19th, at 7lbs 14ozs and was 23 inches long. It was a very fast delivery and there were no complications.

Adrian was ecstatic to meet his little brother, we made it a special moment, my sister was able to catch it on film and I am happy to report that he has been adjusting well. There are a few moments where he's been jealous, but we make sure he is involved and talk to him regularly about how he is feeling. He definitely loves his little brother though, always giving him so many kisses and holding him whenever he can.

I went back to work a week and a half after having Wilder. The notion of it might be crazy to everyone since Canada has paid maternity leave, but the amounts they pay you per week isn't even a quarter of my normal weekly wage... so I went back to work so that we can save an go on a long family vacation this next spring/summer.

I am happy though, I thought that going back to work might be too hard on me, especially since babies can be so unpredictable and I might not get any sleep with my long Film hours (12-14 hr days) But God was gracious and Wilder likes to sleep from 9:30 pm at night to about 5 am, which is the time that I go to work in the morning, so I just give him a bottle before I got and he drifts back off to sleep, so his dad can get more rest as well.

I am currently planning on writing a book. After much deliberation, it would seem that I want to sit down and tell the story about the struggles I've had as an adult being raised in conservative circles and how I've overcome the bad and rolled with the good, still holding on to my faith.

I have been feeling a little unsure of what my future holds. I am looking to do a change in my career... I don't think I want to continue with Set Decoration... I might move on to something new. I've been invited to join a few Props teams. So I went and completed the needed courses for me to enter into that department... and when this show I am working on ends, I will probably move on to that. I need a change of pace... and probably a little bit of a detox.

I am also looking to incorporate mt media business. I have been brainstorming with my husband in the direction I want this blog to go, as well as how we will join our video gaming media with my graphic and web design business. He has been starting to make videos on Youtube as well... so when that all get hammered out, I will be super excited to introduce the company to you all.

I have been staying vigilant with my photography as well... even though I haven't been doing as many shoots because of work, I have been planning and staying inspired by photographing the items around me and trying to glean inspiration from them.

One amazing thing that happened after Wilder was born, was one of my best friend Kenny came down to visit us! Kenny is Wilder's god-father and we were very blessed by his visit and I certainly hope that he was blessed by visiting as well! He has been such an encouragement in my life and has been through so much that it was nice to finally be able to sit down with him in person and chat about life.

I was really excited because he got to go to the new church that my cousin Alvir and one of my husband and my dear friends started. Through that visit, I think that Kenny was able to make some really good friendships with my family down here, and I think that it was blessing for me as well to see a church coming together that was down to earth and treated the Gospel for what it really is... Good News.

Philip and I have been unchurched for so long. We just could not find a church where we felt comfortable bringing our children. We both come from different backgrounds... I came from a very strict conservative Christian home and I didn't want my children to have to deal with the same issues I have had to work through... I want them to understand the Grace of God in a way that they don't have to hide. I want them to understand Grace, Purity, Faith, and Love with hearts that know that they will make mistakes... but God will always be there to help pick them up and as their parents... Phil and I will always be there for them to talk to about anything. They need not run and hide, but they can expect us to always be praying for them and loving them... no matter what.

Anyways, I can't give too much backstory on this, as this will all be written in my short book. Trying to figure out a title! :D

I shall update more frequently from now on!

Love,
Hadessah

Stay Wild Moon Child

20:01
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Pixie Mood - The Greta Work Tote | Review

be yourself

22:07
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An Open Letter to My Best Friend Who Broke Me

be yourself

I felt compelled to write this and post it on my blog, because I feel like it is the only way that you could ever check up on me... since you have blocked me on everything else imaginable. So maybe this will flash past you, either by you secretly checking up on me... or a mutual friend sharing it with you. I want you to know that I still miss you after all this time.

We had known each other for over 17 years. Meeting through church when I was so young, I thought you were someone special from the moment I met you, I became just the girl you liked to bug on Sundays. It was unconventional... but we were friends.

It wasn't until high school hit that we really started to build our friendship though. I knew that I cared about you as more than a friend... and I knew in my heart that you did too. I knew you felt the same but didn't want to admit it to me since I was still so young. I guess in a way you always kind of shut me out of your heart, so I shouldn't feel so surprised.

After I gave up on you and started to see someone... I kept you as my best friend. I couldn't lose you, I had spent way too much time invested in you.

It's been almost 10 years since we became Best Friends. You were always there for me. When I would call you crying in the middle of the night because of how much I missed home, or about how my life was falling apart, how he treated me... I guess I must of broke your heart a few times as well.

Trev, you were one of my rocks... I convinced myself to keep going every time because you were there to tell me it was okay, that I could rebuild my life. I just couldn't of done it back then without you.

I like to think I was equally as there for you. Whenever you started a new relationship or endeavour... I was there to cheer you on, get you off and running towards your goals and dreams.

I really miss the moments where we would die laughing in the car, talking about life... when I would visit and you would travel down to visit and we'd go out and enjoy life together. I still feel bad for that time we went to the movies and you got a parking ticket! I still cry like a baby when I am in my car and a song of ours comes on... we contributed so much to each other's music libraries... I like to think that maybe the same happens to you.

When my son was born, I was so happy that you were there when I came to visit. I wanted you to be someone special to him. He loved you, that was the time when you first met your now wife.

I remember being really excited for you as you gushed about how much you had in common with her... but back then I never expected the engagement to come only a few months later... then the wedding 5 months in... but I stayed supportive of you as you gushed about your wedding plans... I remember telling you that I didn't know if being married so soon was such a great idea... I stressed that I was concerned she wouldn't understand our friendship, but you assured me that she was excited to meet me and things wouldn't change.

I still kick myself that I wasn't able to afford travelling to your wedding. I wanted to go so bad, but being a new mother, starting a new career made it impossible. I now know that, that would of been my only chance to have made a good impression on her. I knew something was wrong when I didn't hear from you for 3 weeks afterwards.

When I came to visit in the winter... you cried to me over the phone that she didn't want to meet me. She didn't believe that you and I could just be friends. I told you I understood as my heart broke slowly. I told you I would give you space and not bother you too much... but I couldn't just drop you out of my life... but to respect her I would only communicate with you on her terms...

I guess that wasn't enough... because within days, you had slowly blocked me from every outlet of Social Media that we shared. You now just hang up on me when I call.

I try to convince myself that it doesn't affect me, what you do with your life is your prerogative. But it did and it still does. The loss that I feel is indescribable... the way I interact with people is awkward... because I am scared. I am scared of finding someone that I treasure as much as I treasured you, then they will just leave. I am scared of relationships because through out all the turmoil I've had to deal with in my life... you were one of the people I believed, loved me purely and unselfishly. I never felt like I had to work for your friendship because we both just mutually wanted the best for one another; unconditionally.

Trev, I'll always be here if you ever come back. If you don't, please know that I think about you at the most inconvenient times. I cry because I can't tell you how happy I've been able to become, but I am not completely happy... because I don't have you to tell everything to. I comfort myself by thinking that you may feel the same way when I send you the update emails of Adrian and life, that go constantly unanswered.

It's been a full year now. I miss your presence in my life. But I need to move forward in my life... I'll find a way to do it without you. Thank you for the time you did invest in my life. I will always keep the lessons I learned from you close to my heart.

Love your on hold Best Friend,

Esther (Hades)

22:37
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How My Life has Evolved - I Found Myself

a letter to humanity

Good Evening Lovelies,

I am going down memory lane and I realized just how much I have changed. I just turned 25 in October and I thought that it would be neat to do a little write-up and show just how much I have changed as a person in the past 10 years of my life.

So here we go on this wild adventure. I will explain where I was at in each photo and see where my words go.

Well, what can I say about this photo... I was 15 here. Just a girl trying to start her journey into the world. I was breaking out of my shell and trying to distance myself from the mold that was built around me in the conservative groups. My family had just left the Independent Baptist Circles and I didn't want to identify with them anymore... as they had hurt my family and I deeply... It's actually because of them that I developed a resentment of jean skirts... and to this day I refuse to wear them... or ANY ankle length skirts for that matter.

I know that a lot of my depression and anxiety stemmed from the separation and confusion of that whole situation. I didn't know where to turn and thought I had to figure out the world in a whole new way. Those conservative circles to this day leave a terrible taste in my mouth and I don't like to talk about it very much.

My style at this point in my life was all very strained. I struggled with finding a balance of staying "modest" so I wouldn't be shamed by those around me, but still finding my own way to express myself through clothes, accessories, and makeup. I think that I gravitated slowly towards a scene/emo look; I couldn't be very obvious about it though, as before mentioned fear of being judged.

Alright, so here I was 16 years old. I had already started dating my now husband Philip and started to have a little bit more stability in my life. I had kept the shorter hair for awhile and had dealt with about a 2 years of serious depression and suicidal tendencies... I don't like to talk about it much... but I had really struggled with feeling like I was worth anything... I wasn't able to cope with the anxiety and depression well... I was recovering from cutting and Philip literally helped save my life. Stopping me from taking my own life.

I wasn't totally happy... but I was recovering and that was enough at the time. This was around the time though where I was struggling with eating... I felt really fat and wouldn't eat very much... it caused a lot of stomach problems and was hospitalized a lot that year for my migraines and dehydration because of my lack of food intake.

This was the year where I think I really took the first steps to finding out who I was in Christ though... making my own decisions as to what I stood for and not just what people around me believed. I realized that being a Christian wasn't just about following what my church, my friends or family, or even my parents taught me. I took the first steps of being myself and relying on the Lord to guide me through the turmoil of being a teenager... but He gave me self worth and that was sustaining for awhile.

Here I am at 17 years of age. Still struggling but feeling much better about life. Philip and I had been in a strong relationship for about a year at this point and I knew I was going to marry him someday.

My style mostly consisted of jeans, FOX RACING shirts and hoodies and VANS skate shoes. HAHA. Still, makes me snicker to this day. I would save all my money to buy myself "brand name" skate clothes and it made me feel good about myself.

I had taken up skateboarding though so I felt a little more entitled to wear the brands ... I took it (to my embarrassment) a little too seriously. I never pursued the hobby to anything serious, though, I was moderately good at it and could keep up with the boys my age in my town, which wasn't much an accomplishment, looking back now. But back then I was pretty proud of myself and it boosted my self-esteem to make some "friends" outside of the circles that I had grown up around.

I learned so much that year. I was interested in life again and started to have dreams of my future. I was sure that I was going to grow up and be an artist. I may not be the manga artist that I thought I would be... but I definitely found a career in the arts and that's pretty impressive for me looking back.

Here I am at 18 years old. Philip and I were already planning our wedding and it was probably one of the happiest years of my teenage years. I had completely stopped cutting and had learned how to start cutting toxic people out of my life.

I was experimenting more with mixing dress style with casual... but still was restricted in some sense mentally. However, as you can see in this photo... I had grown my hair out and had learned about the power of mixing belts into my day to day style... as primitive as it had become.

At this point of my life, I had turned to writing, furthering my art... and I was very interested in going to college for Fashion Design. I didn't pursue it, though... for reasons I don't feel like going through at the moment. I just felt guilted out of it.

Ah... 19 years old. The first year where I felt free from the judgment of others... I feel like at this point I felt like I could just do whatever I felt like. SO I had my hair streaked red and it was a liberating moment. Phil and I had just gotten married and I was looking forward to the future. Figuring out where I stood and what I wanted.

However, I didn't leave my skater clothes behind yet. I worked at a Ski Resort so that kind of just followed me still for awhile. I was a serious tomboy, so I almost never wore anything dressy.

That winter... I got into a big accident... a serious concussion that resulted in amnesia... I didn't even remember my husband. I got over it pretty quickly... but since then I still struggle with expressing myself using words when I get nervous or stressed, sometimes stuttering. As someone who was always very articulate, it bothers me to this day that I do not remember that day...

Ah, 20... now we are getting closer to the time that I really remember evolving into the human that I am today. I had almost shed all the restrictive thinking that I had held myself back with.

I got my first modeling gig, I had really gotten into gaming and building an online presence in gaming communities. I had started learning about how to dress up and not feel uncomfortable as much in my own body. Embracing my feminity and feeling happy in my relationship and life.

I still had not really figured out where I wanted to be in my career, but I really started working in Graphic Art and Website Design. I wasn't that amazing back then... but hey... you have to start somewhere right? I actually miss the 20-year-old me. I feel like she was way more innocent and trusting than I am now... but hey... that's what life does to you right?

Here I am in 2012... I was freshly 21... this was the start of the years of hell for me... the year where I first discovered hate, anger, loss of trust, and my depression resurfaced.

I don't remember much from this year... I think that I blocked 2012-2014 out a lot... I started cutting again, and I turned my back on God because I believed more in the actions of others than in trusting in the Lord. Oh, and I had chopped all my hair off again and gotten my first tattoo.

I worked in jewelry so my fashion evolved drastically. I think that I viewed work as my get away... it taught me so much about myself and I worked with amazing and inspiring women who taught me to believe in myself. But I'll get there in the upcoming years. I don't remember anything about 2012 though... I just remember being very very ANGRY.

22... man... okay... maybe this was the stormiest year of my life. If it wasn't for the few people who loved and cared for me in that period... I don't think I would be here to type this out right now. I was very, very sad. Every bad thing from 2012 had burst out of it's corked jar and I trusted no one.

My marriage was falling apart... my soul was crushed and felt like there was nobody to talk to. However... the Lord was there and I thank my Mama for being my rock through that year... she taught me to surrender myself to Him again... in my darkest moments... my Mama was always there to help me through it all. I love you, Mama.

It was so hard to wake up in the morning and slink off to work. I needed a break from life... so I planned a trip to Philippines, to be by myself to get away from everything and take a moment to focus on something other than myself.

Enter 2014, my 23rd year of life! Looking back... I am thankful the most for this year of my life.

I was blessed so much by my choice to go on a mission trip to my mother's country and meet my family there. It was right after Typhoon Haiyan and I went there to help out in the relief effort... the experience healed me and helped me out more than anything else.

I finally let go of my hate, anger, and self-loathing... My family and the people I met on that trip gave me so much time to think and appreciate the blessings that God had given to me.

It was a few months later when I found out that I was pregnant with my son Adrian. It couldn't have been more than perfect timing... God knew that I was emotionally ready to tackle a child in my life.

WOW! We have reached 2015... I was 24 years old... I think that this year was the biggest and most drastic year for my evolution into the person that I am now.

After Adrian was born... I again chopped my hair off to the shortest that it ever has gotten. It was liberating and empowering. For the first time in a long time. I felt in control of my mind, my body, and my life. Adrian was God's greatest gift to me... and I didn't want him to see his mother as a weak woman.

God blessed me with the start of my career in film... I cannot express in words how thankful I am to him for giving me such an amazing chance... after so many years in darkness and feelings of despair... I finally can be proud of myself. I felt so strong, and my faith has never been as strong as it is now.

Anyways, I chopped my hair off. Took a bargain in purchasing a course on Social Media and Fashion... and I was elevated to a new way of thinking. I cannot even recognize the Esther of the past... I recognize the Hadessah of now.

I have lost many people along the way, but wow... the feeling of triumph that I have now makes it feel like the hurt wasn't such a big deal anymore. I have an amazing best friend in my life as well that elevates my spirit every day.

I have learned to really love... my insecurities don't exist anymore... the confidence is something I never imagined for myself... but I thank God for the year 2015.... it molded me and helped me grow into a woman.

2016!!!

Meet Hadessah... the person I have become now.

The girl who thought she wouldn't make it this far. The girl who defeated the odds. The girl who didn't end up in the gutter... the girl who deals with her anxieties and fears with the people who care about her.

The girl who is no longer scared of the future, but sees it as a challenge...

The woman who has been blessed with so much, that all she wants to do is pass on the love, the encouragement, and strengthen the people she cares about.

The mother who finally feels like she's become someone her son can look up to. The woman who has finally learned her worth and won't accept anything else.

The girl who is working in an amazing career that I never dreamed I would be in now... God is good. I may be tattooed, pierced, and have green hair... but I have never appreciated my freedom in Christ more, or understood his unconditional love and mercy than I do right now.

I look forward to the future... I have the right people around me now... God's helped me conquer my demons and rise above them.

All I could ever hope for is that for anyone reading this... that they may be inspired to believe in a better tomorrow. I hope that God richly blesses you and that you might find happiness and security in your life.

Be loving, be kind, and be generous in your life.

I love you all,
Hadessah

21:36
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A Letter to the Young. (A Word about Self-Worth)

anxiety

Hello Lovelies,

Today is a little bit of a serious post, but I feel like I needed to have a heart to heart with you all. Especially with my younger readers.

I would like everyone to know that this post is geared NOT just towards young women, but also towards young men since both sexes struggle with finding a sense of belonging in this world. Many young men AS WELL find themselves to be victims of abuse, having feelings of no self-worth, and depressive tendencies, so I definitely do NOT want to make my male readers feel like I don't consider them in my posts because to me we are all important and we all deserve to feel valued. So without further ado....

My Letter to the Young.

I make a point on my Social Media to reach out to all that I see struggling with depressive tendencies. I think it's because of what I went through as a young adult, by the age of 16 I had already attempted suicide, struggled with anorexia and bulimia, cutting, anxiety, and pretty much felt like I couldn't do it anymore. This thing called life, was too difficult in my eyes at the time. So after talking with several young people on Social Media this week, I thought I would address the issue in a blog post.

First and foremost you are worth more than you could ever imagine. Don't listen to the girls/boys at school who like to mock you or say unkind things towards you. This time, in your life, will pass. You are just STARTING to make your way in this world, just starting to bloom, growing into the person you are going to become. You are stronger than you think and more beautiful than you believe.

I have girls messaging me saying things like "I wish I was beautiful... like you."

No, I did not always look the way I do now, I don't even look the way I do now when I wake up in the morning. I used to think I was the cringiest teenager ever because I didn't always know how to value myself like I do now. I STILL struggle with my anxiety and depression, but not as much as I used to. My marriage has almost fallen apart many times, the hardships made me doubt my self-worth yet again... but God wouldn't let me give it up. I also didn't always know that I could turn to those in my life with a proven track record of being there for me and be open and honest because they loved me, they are such an amazing support system.

PSALM 139:14 (KJV)

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

The problem when we are young is that many aren't looking 2-5-10 years into the future. That is a far away dream to us when we are young. But the fact of the matter is, nothing about this time period in your life is going to be the same, high-school will pass, people will grow older and you look back, you will realize that none of it stayed the same.

The kids that were bullied for being overweight might become the fittest people you know, the boy that was called short might of hit his growth spurt late, since boys don't finish growing until after the age of 22, the "ugly" girl might have finally blossomed into her features, the kids that nobody thought would do anything in this world, might become the most successful.

In all truth, nothing in your teen years will stay the same into your adulthood unless you are not making the effort to move forward and grow. Maybe stand up for the kids you see being mocked and ridiculed, make a friend, you could move forward into an amazing adult friendship, maybe it's fleeting. Nothing will change unless you are pushing for a better future. Don't give up.

I remember the days when I felt like I had to beg people to be my friend. One birthday I remember inviting 17 girls to my birthday party and only one showed up... I still don't have a large circle of friends, I have been hurt, betrayed, and put through the ringer with friends and family. But I don't give up, I don't allow my self-worth to be devalued by the way other treat me anymore. Their opinions don't define me anymore. I remember hearing one lady tell my mom when I was in my most volatile state, that I would probably end up in the gutter... did I? NO! Did it hurt me back then, yes... I still remember it to this day, but now instead of offensive, I just laugh about it because, she obviously said something foolish and purposely hurtful, without thinking about how that statement would hurt my mother and without thinking about the consequences of me hearing her say that. I could have faced life with that mindset and watched myself end up there... thank God that, that is NOT how things went.

John 7:24 (KJV)

Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.

I also recently have had to lose contact with one of my closest friends, because of their partners assumptions and insecurities of me. We had known each other since I was 9, but sometimes you have to take a step back and realize that other people's insecurities SHOULD NOT affect how you feel about yourself.

I have no childhood best friends anymore, that was the last one. I hope that someday the partner will overcome their insecurities and realize that I care for them and wish them the happiest of lives. I hope that one day we can all reconnect and be close again, but I have to face reality at the probability that it might never happen.

You have the power to change your future. Don't focus on what others are doing or saying. Be you, be strong, be tenacious, be beautiful inside and it will radiate outwardly. I'm not even joking about that statement. Make positive changes to your life and keep your eyes on the prize. You will actually see yourself evolving in the mirror.

Your teens are but a brief blip in the story of your life, so you might as well focus on preparing yourself to be an amazing, thoughtful, kind, wise, and productive adult. Have fun and live life happily while you're a teen, don't let anyone take away that joy you should be feeling while you discover who you are.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 (KJV)

He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

XoXo,

Hadessah

09:32
21 Comments

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Life Updates With Hadessah

Pixie Mood - The Greta Work Tote | Review

An Open Letter to My Best Friend Who Broke Me

How My Life has Evolved - I Found Myself

A Letter to the Young. (A Word about Self-Worth)

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