H A D E S S A H: Love

Baby Masen - 2017 Newborn Photoshoot

00:16
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2016 is Coming to a Close.

2016

2016... I don't even know where to begin with you. This year has got to be known for one of the most conflicted in my life. So much has happened. I cried, laughed, cried, and cried again. Regardless, all in all it was an eye-opening year for me.

This year started with us losing the beloved Alan Rickman and sadly ended with Carrie Fisher. But also I know that there are many close to me that lost their friends, family, and other loved ones this year... my heart hurts for them as well. For life is precious, and even though they might not be people we know, they have left a gaping hole in the hearts of the people that they left behind.

Trump is going to be the President of the United States and reality has set in that many in the States and even the world is waiting with held breath... for what this could really mean for all of us. I will not voice a political view on the subject; all I can hope for is that he turns out to be a good President... hopefully he will prove to be better than many of us expected. Because after all... hoping that he is a failure, is like hoping that the pilot of your aircraft isn't certified.

For me though... this year was overwhelming, emotional, and all in all... a pretty solid year of reflection and character building. I feel like I have conquered many of my insecurities this year and have learned to beat the depressive me into the submission of positive me.

I lost people that I felt where permanent in my life, and I met many temporary people... learning a lesson from it all. I have discovered that I do not like having temporary people in my life, but did not let that stop me from being open, honest, and myself with you all. I met new and amazing friends whom, I would like to think and hope might be lifelong friends. I am looking at you Fabiola, Amber-Lea, Amanda, Jacob, Shannon, Tanya, Lauren, Kayla, Mykhila.... just to name a few (If you are not named, do not think you aren't equally as treasured). You have all had your part in opening me up and instilling trust in people again. I never have had such a good time getting to know you all!!

I have restored my faith and belief in love... even though it isn't all that I expected it to be and my view of it has been drastically altered... I still believe that it is real. I am constantly working towards a goal of figuring out what I want and where my place is within God's grand plan for my life. I know that if I can just hold on to his love... that I can perpetuate it towards all of you.

Adrian is turning 2 this year and I am overwhelmed by his growth and development. He has started talking and has so much energy that I have a hard time keeping up. His smile always brightens up my day and the love that he shows me keeps me going through every hard moment in my life. I couldn't be more thankful to my wonderful cousin Chrian. She has been such a blessing to his life, teaching him so much and loving him through every stage. I also want to thank Edwin her boyfriend for being such an amazing influence and great example of how a godly man should act. Showing such love and devotion to my cousin and giving us all joy as he proposed to her and is set to becoming a part of our family. I love you both in a way that cannot be described with words. Just that I am so thankful to have watched you both grow into two amazing people.

Alvir... my cousin... You have been a blessing to my little family's life as well this year. Thank you as well for being so loving, helpful, sweet, and kind. I hope that you will always be there to continue to be an example in my son's life. Your patience is outstanding and I can only hope that you continue to find happiness in your life, you have been such a light in mine.

Vanessa, it has been so strange transitioning to living without you... when we all moved out onto our own paths this year, it was really strange not being able to just walk into your room and laugh or talk about something. I know we watched A LOT of Doctor Phil and talked a lot about what we wanted in life. I am so proud to see you moving in the direction that you wanted to go. I can only wish you so much joy and happiness in 2017. Don't give up on your dreams, I can't wait to see where your adventure takes you.

As for my family... I literally cannot voice how much it has meant to me to have felt your support this year. I know everyone was a little worried when I first started my career... but... I literally could not of made it through without you reminding me of the Lord's love and grace. I hope that I have made you proud. It's been a total change in my life from 2015... I am no longer the sad, weak, and hopeless girl that I used to be and I couldn't have done it without you. THANK YOU for being a part of my life.

Ashlee..... I FRICKEN LOVE YOU! I cannot jot down in words how thankful and loved you are in my life. You are my best friend, my sister, my partner in crime, and just everything that has helped heal this brokenness in me that I felt for so long. You have been a rock in my life and I KNOW that I can come to you with anything, please know that my love for you is unconditional and forever... you can't ever be rid of me. Thank you for all our deep conversations about love and life... our goofy moments where we know everyone think we are crazy, our moments of teamwork, where we know that no matter what comes our way... we can tackle together. You truly are the kindred spirit that God knew that I needed in my life, and NOBODY can ever replace you. I will always be here for you.

Philip, oh yes... you get your own special section... Thank you... I know that this year has been a roller-coaster... emotionally, mentally, physically. I can honestly say that I have enjoyed watching you mature and grow as an individual, as a father, and I can even see the best friend that I fell in love with all those years ago coming back... only a way better version of yourself. I hope that you know that I am always rooting for you. I wouldn't be me without you... I have enjoyed being on this journey with you, regardless of how many obstacles we have had to overcome to get back to this point... I love you. You are one of the most important people in my life, in our son's life. May we continue to grow as people, and make our little one proud. I look forward to what our future holds.

Yes... this year has been a crazy one, I couldn't be more thankful for it though. Landing Riverdale was literally one of the highlights of my year. The past 5 months, I have been pouring my soul into this show and I hope that when people watch it... they can see all the love, blood, sweat, and tears that makes it what it is. Set Dec, Art Department, and the WHOLE CREW and CAST at Riverdale have worked so hard to make it amazing for you all. It's been a defining time in my life. I consider everyone from it family (sometimes dysfunctional) but family never the less. I couldn't of asked for a better team to end 2016 with. THANK YOU!!!

It is my wish, that regardless of how 2016 was for everyone... that 2017 will be an amazing year. I hope that you all stay strong, find ways to conquer your demons and rise to become a better version of yourself. Leave the past in the past and move steadily towards the future. If you are my friend, know that I'm here if you need me. HERE"S TO HOPING FOR AM AMAZING 2017!!!!!

Love,

Hadessah

00:30
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An Open Letter to My Best Friend Who Broke Me

be yourself

I felt compelled to write this and post it on my blog, because I feel like it is the only way that you could ever check up on me... since you have blocked me on everything else imaginable. So maybe this will flash past you, either by you secretly checking up on me... or a mutual friend sharing it with you. I want you to know that I still miss you after all this time.

We had known each other for over 17 years. Meeting through church when I was so young, I thought you were someone special from the moment I met you, I became just the girl you liked to bug on Sundays. It was unconventional... but we were friends.

It wasn't until high school hit that we really started to build our friendship though. I knew that I cared about you as more than a friend... and I knew in my heart that you did too. I knew you felt the same but didn't want to admit it to me since I was still so young. I guess in a way you always kind of shut me out of your heart, so I shouldn't feel so surprised.

After I gave up on you and started to see someone... I kept you as my best friend. I couldn't lose you, I had spent way too much time invested in you.

It's been almost 10 years since we became Best Friends. You were always there for me. When I would call you crying in the middle of the night because of how much I missed home, or about how my life was falling apart, how he treated me... I guess I must of broke your heart a few times as well.

Trev, you were one of my rocks... I convinced myself to keep going every time because you were there to tell me it was okay, that I could rebuild my life. I just couldn't of done it back then without you.

I like to think I was equally as there for you. Whenever you started a new relationship or endeavour... I was there to cheer you on, get you off and running towards your goals and dreams.

I really miss the moments where we would die laughing in the car, talking about life... when I would visit and you would travel down to visit and we'd go out and enjoy life together. I still feel bad for that time we went to the movies and you got a parking ticket! I still cry like a baby when I am in my car and a song of ours comes on... we contributed so much to each other's music libraries... I like to think that maybe the same happens to you.

When my son was born, I was so happy that you were there when I came to visit. I wanted you to be someone special to him. He loved you, that was the time when you first met your now wife.

I remember being really excited for you as you gushed about how much you had in common with her... but back then I never expected the engagement to come only a few months later... then the wedding 5 months in... but I stayed supportive of you as you gushed about your wedding plans... I remember telling you that I didn't know if being married so soon was such a great idea... I stressed that I was concerned she wouldn't understand our friendship, but you assured me that she was excited to meet me and things wouldn't change.

I still kick myself that I wasn't able to afford travelling to your wedding. I wanted to go so bad, but being a new mother, starting a new career made it impossible. I now know that, that would of been my only chance to have made a good impression on her. I knew something was wrong when I didn't hear from you for 3 weeks afterwards.

When I came to visit in the winter... you cried to me over the phone that she didn't want to meet me. She didn't believe that you and I could just be friends. I told you I understood as my heart broke slowly. I told you I would give you space and not bother you too much... but I couldn't just drop you out of my life... but to respect her I would only communicate with you on her terms...

I guess that wasn't enough... because within days, you had slowly blocked me from every outlet of Social Media that we shared. You now just hang up on me when I call.

I try to convince myself that it doesn't affect me, what you do with your life is your prerogative. But it did and it still does. The loss that I feel is indescribable... the way I interact with people is awkward... because I am scared. I am scared of finding someone that I treasure as much as I treasured you, then they will just leave. I am scared of relationships because through out all the turmoil I've had to deal with in my life... you were one of the people I believed, loved me purely and unselfishly. I never felt like I had to work for your friendship because we both just mutually wanted the best for one another; unconditionally.

Trev, I'll always be here if you ever come back. If you don't, please know that I think about you at the most inconvenient times. I cry because I can't tell you how happy I've been able to become, but I am not completely happy... because I don't have you to tell everything to. I comfort myself by thinking that you may feel the same way when I send you the update emails of Adrian and life, that go constantly unanswered.

It's been a full year now. I miss your presence in my life. But I need to move forward in my life... I'll find a way to do it without you. Thank you for the time you did invest in my life. I will always keep the lessons I learned from you close to my heart.

Love your on hold Best Friend,

Esther (Hades)

22:37
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A Letter to the Young. (A Word about Self-Worth)

anxiety

Hello Lovelies,

Today is a little bit of a serious post, but I feel like I needed to have a heart to heart with you all. Especially with my younger readers.

I would like everyone to know that this post is geared NOT just towards young women, but also towards young men since both sexes struggle with finding a sense of belonging in this world. Many young men AS WELL find themselves to be victims of abuse, having feelings of no self-worth, and depressive tendencies, so I definitely do NOT want to make my male readers feel like I don't consider them in my posts because to me we are all important and we all deserve to feel valued. So without further ado....

My Letter to the Young.

I make a point on my Social Media to reach out to all that I see struggling with depressive tendencies. I think it's because of what I went through as a young adult, by the age of 16 I had already attempted suicide, struggled with anorexia and bulimia, cutting, anxiety, and pretty much felt like I couldn't do it anymore. This thing called life, was too difficult in my eyes at the time. So after talking with several young people on Social Media this week, I thought I would address the issue in a blog post.

First and foremost you are worth more than you could ever imagine. Don't listen to the girls/boys at school who like to mock you or say unkind things towards you. This time, in your life, will pass. You are just STARTING to make your way in this world, just starting to bloom, growing into the person you are going to become. You are stronger than you think and more beautiful than you believe.

I have girls messaging me saying things like "I wish I was beautiful... like you."

No, I did not always look the way I do now, I don't even look the way I do now when I wake up in the morning. I used to think I was the cringiest teenager ever because I didn't always know how to value myself like I do now. I STILL struggle with my anxiety and depression, but not as much as I used to. My marriage has almost fallen apart many times, the hardships made me doubt my self-worth yet again... but God wouldn't let me give it up. I also didn't always know that I could turn to those in my life with a proven track record of being there for me and be open and honest because they loved me, they are such an amazing support system.

PSALM 139:14 (KJV)

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

The problem when we are young is that many aren't looking 2-5-10 years into the future. That is a far away dream to us when we are young. But the fact of the matter is, nothing about this time period in your life is going to be the same, high-school will pass, people will grow older and you look back, you will realize that none of it stayed the same.

The kids that were bullied for being overweight might become the fittest people you know, the boy that was called short might of hit his growth spurt late, since boys don't finish growing until after the age of 22, the "ugly" girl might have finally blossomed into her features, the kids that nobody thought would do anything in this world, might become the most successful.

In all truth, nothing in your teen years will stay the same into your adulthood unless you are not making the effort to move forward and grow. Maybe stand up for the kids you see being mocked and ridiculed, make a friend, you could move forward into an amazing adult friendship, maybe it's fleeting. Nothing will change unless you are pushing for a better future. Don't give up.

I remember the days when I felt like I had to beg people to be my friend. One birthday I remember inviting 17 girls to my birthday party and only one showed up... I still don't have a large circle of friends, I have been hurt, betrayed, and put through the ringer with friends and family. But I don't give up, I don't allow my self-worth to be devalued by the way other treat me anymore. Their opinions don't define me anymore. I remember hearing one lady tell my mom when I was in my most volatile state, that I would probably end up in the gutter... did I? NO! Did it hurt me back then, yes... I still remember it to this day, but now instead of offensive, I just laugh about it because, she obviously said something foolish and purposely hurtful, without thinking about how that statement would hurt my mother and without thinking about the consequences of me hearing her say that. I could have faced life with that mindset and watched myself end up there... thank God that, that is NOT how things went.

John 7:24 (KJV)

Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.

I also recently have had to lose contact with one of my closest friends, because of their partners assumptions and insecurities of me. We had known each other since I was 9, but sometimes you have to take a step back and realize that other people's insecurities SHOULD NOT affect how you feel about yourself.

I have no childhood best friends anymore, that was the last one. I hope that someday the partner will overcome their insecurities and realize that I care for them and wish them the happiest of lives. I hope that one day we can all reconnect and be close again, but I have to face reality at the probability that it might never happen.

You have the power to change your future. Don't focus on what others are doing or saying. Be you, be strong, be tenacious, be beautiful inside and it will radiate outwardly. I'm not even joking about that statement. Make positive changes to your life and keep your eyes on the prize. You will actually see yourself evolving in the mirror.

Your teens are but a brief blip in the story of your life, so you might as well focus on preparing yourself to be an amazing, thoughtful, kind, wise, and productive adult. Have fun and live life happily while you're a teen, don't let anyone take away that joy you should be feeling while you discover who you are.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 (KJV)

He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

XoXo,

Hadessah